How does he keep a straight face?

A great example of Gibberish.

FUN WITH A PLACEBO GROUP

Researchers Quietly Chuckling At Placebo Group

JULY 14, 2009 | ISSUE 45•29

NEW YORK—Researchers at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine were hardly able to stifle their laughter Tuesday while administering a placebo to 25 patients participating in a single-blind trial of an experimental new emphysema drug. "Did you see Participant No. 425? He was like, 'I think it's really working, Doc,'" Dr. Lewis Rodriguez said to a team of snickering pulmonary specialists. "How gullible can you get? I can't believe those guys think they're actually getting CDDO-Im." Although the trial is expected to run for two more months, Rodriguez told reporters that he almost could not wait to analyze the data, compile the results, publish the findings, and see the looks on their stupid faces.

TWO CARBON BASED LIFE FORMS CONFUSED

The Ministers charged with selling the Australian Government's Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme, (Garrett and Wong, pictured) seem not to have completed high school chemistry or grade school biology. Either that, or they (and their government) are knowingly setting out to deceive the populace by deliberately using weasel words in the title of the Bill.

In this mad scenario, arguably the most essential element for life on earth (Carbon) is labelled a pollutant. No mention is made of Carbon Dioxide - a gaseous compound of carbon which is said to cause global warming. Are diamonds pollutants? Is graphite a pollutant? Is charcoal a pollutant? Is anthracite buried deep underground and never burnt a pollutant? According to these clowns they all are, because they are one form or another of elemental carbon.

Fortunately there's an easy way to reduce the dreaded Carbon which is apparently polluting the environment. Burn it and turn it into Carbon Dioxide.

WHY I DISTRUST ACADEMICS

You only have to work among academics for a short time before you become aware of how biased they can be. Treasured theories will not be discarded lightly in the face of data which challenges those treasured theories.

Occasionally however, this issue can be thrown into stark relief. I was once in the privileged position of being able to talk to the "subject" of a colleague's study after the study had been published.

There was an astonishing mismatch between the study as reported and the subject's recollection of what happened during the study. I have no doubt the subject's version was the correct one.

I still can't decide whether the researcher's distortions were the result of stupidity or academic fraud. Either is a plausible hypothesis.

There is however no doubt that the research published by the academic concerned is worthless. Insiders know this, but the public and policy makers could be seriously misled by this wacky fantasist.

The picture is for visual interest only - it is NOT a distortature of the idiot concerned.

PROFESSOR OLDMAN, DINOSAUR

The gradual evolution of management practices at my university - from collegiate to Stalinist meant that I was recently subjected to apparatchik scrutiny (rather than mentoring) by someone unknown to me (pictured). I had previously seen this man shuffling about the campus, but I had assumed that he was homeless or attached to some sort of supervised group home facility.

Imagine my surprise then when I turned up to his office and found that my new supervisor, Professor Oldman, and the shuffling derelict were one and the same.

The interview was a shambles. Oldman knew nothing about my work, but simply reiterated phrases from the new "Supervisor's Handbook". These included (in no particular order): obedience; greater glory; five year plan; redouble our efforts; The Dear Leader; you must kneel before me, for I am a member of the nomenklatura (I think this last one was Oldman's own invention).

In amongst the inane prattle it was made clear to me that I was expected to abandon my investigation into the literacy standards of our own graduates. This I will not do, so I have no choice but to pursue this issue in retirement. It is easier to be a true academic in retirement than it is with institutional affiliations.

Note: Professor Oldman is a composite character and any resemblance to any person, living or decomposing is purely coincidental.

Emergency @ MindBodySpirit

What would the world be like if the people I talked to at MindBodySpirit ran a hospital emergency department?

A GORDON EFFING RAMSAY EFFING POST

Effing no-talent effing celebrity effing cook effing shares some effing deep effing thought in this effing item on his effing deep effing need to effing put his effing best effing fugly effing face effing forward.

Gordon Ramsey's Botox hell
Vaz Sayed

Gordon Ramsay has had BOTOX on his craggy chin - after X Factor pal Simon Cowell baited him about it. The under-fire chef - born with the distinctive lines and cleft - revealed a make-up artist had already quizzed him on his horrific "car crash injuries".

Ramsay, 52, said: "It's Simon's fault. He leaned over and prodded my chin saying, 'Mate, you've got to do something'. I was like, 'F*** off!'. I've always looked like Freddy Krueger, but more people were commenting so I did it. Botox. And no one has f****** noticed."

Gordon also admitted he had "stared into the abyss" in a grim year that saw claims of an affair - which he denied - and the near collapse of his business. He said he "screwed up" and needed to grow up but added: "I'm fighting back."