Podcast - Episode 35 - The Best of Jef

This belated podcast is a ‘best of’ of sorts, that is dedicated to my co-host, coauthor and most significantly, father, Jef Clark. Dad has been fighting his second battle with cancer over the last 6 months. He passed away this weekend. He was 61. I love you mate. You’ll always be with me and all of us.

In the podcast I mention Dad’s writing for the Australian Skeptic. You can read his articles here: http://www.skeptics.com.au/publications/magazine/

See issues: 23.4 | 24.1 | 24.2 | 24.3 | 24. 4 | 25.2 | 25.3 | 25.4 | 26.1 | 26.2 | 26.4 | 27.2 | 27.3

http://www.archive.org/download/HuntingHumbug101Episode1-WhatIsHumbug/35Episode35-TheBestOfJef.mp3

HOW TO FEND OFF A ZOMBIE ATTACK

It is possible to successfully fend off a zombie attack, according to Canadian mathematicians. The key is to “hit hard and hit often.”

Oh yes, somebody actually did a study on mathematics of a hypothetical zombie attack, and published it in a book on infectious disease.

So, while we still don’t know what to do if a deadly asteroid takes aim at Earth, an unlikely but technically possible situation, we now know what to do in case of a zombie attack.

“An outbreak of zombies is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead,” the authors wrote. “It is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

Source

(Note that the picture adjacent is intended to illustrate a zombie-like visage. I have no direct evidence that the person pictured is in fact a zombie - he could be a vampire.)

COMMANDER IN CHIEF ATTACKS?

Under the Australian system of governance, the Commander in Chief of the armed forces is often an elderly, time-serving brown-nose with no military experience (see Quentin Bryce, pictured). He, she or it is known as the Governor-General.

While Bryce could be shaping up here to lead an infantry section-attack on a Taliban observation post, I have my doubts. For one thing, I think the nail scissors in her right hand might be inadequate to the task.

Roll on the republic - but please, no more crones.

BOB ELLIS - 37 YEARS OF FUTILE FAITH

This post is a three pronged effort. The distortature is by Jef, and we have some words from me (Theo) and my old mate Ben.

Austalian political commentator Bob Ellis recently attended the Festival of Ideas and heard a talk by Simon Singh on alternative medicine. He was not impressed with Simon's views on Chiropractors:

"I’ve been going to chiropractors for 37 years, and it seems to me they've cured not only back pain but energy loss, memory loss and, lately, impotence. And I need to know what the difference is between a real cure of impotence and a perceived cure of impotence".

I also noted my dog Oompa was cured by the same chiropractor, Anton, of back pain and limping, and asked how a dog could suffer "a placebo effect". ...

I came away very angry at him and his kind. They have added immeasurably to needless human suffering on the planet, and needless animal suffering too. ...

Simon Singh reminds me of Donald Rumsfeld, another torture denier. Sleeplessness isn’t torture. Standing up for twelve hours isn't torture. I said so. Simon says the pain chiropractors cure is imaginary pain. And Simon is an honourable man.

Hit the link to read the entire ignorant and scientifically illiterate rant. Ben and I just had to reply.

Ben :

21 Jul 2009 12:41:10pm

Sorry Bob,

So many alt-woo fallacies in one place... where to begin?

Chiro is based on pre-scientific (i.e. magical) thinking (hint: Google "vertebral subluxation"). There is no clinical evidence (and I repeat, no clinical evidence) that it is a useful treatment for ANYTHING apart from a specific type of lower back pain (which is just as effectively treated by a good massage).

THE ALIENS ARE AMONGST US

I have never given much credence to reports of UFO sightings, alien abductions and the like. However as a skeptic I am always prepared to change my mind in the light of new evidence. I now have incontrovertable evidence that there are aliens amongst us.

My revelation came from a recent camping trip, when I was forced for the first time in decades to use public multi-cubicle toilet facilities. In such odorous and unpleasant settings I became aware that a significant number of "people" engaged in non-human behaviour. In particular: (1) reading or using a laptop whilst evacuating their bowels; (2) not washing hands after the deed was done; (3) not using a paper towel to turn off a possibly faecally contaminated tap; (4) not using a paper towel to open a possibly faecally contaminated exit door; (5) not covering the toilet seat with paper prior to sitting down; (6) not washing tap and door handles (in the absence of paper towels). But the clincher for me was the occasional person who failed to put copious quantities of toilet paper in the bowl before doing the deed. The "kersplash" and "tish" noise made by these users indicated that they did not mind getting their posteriors splashed by the disgusting multi-user faecal soup in the bowl. THESE "PEOPLE" ARE CLEARLY NOT HUMAN.

Historical Origins of Acupuncture

Contrary to the common assumption of Chinese cultural origins of acupuncture...

Acupuncture was first used in the American midwest.

It was commonly offered by a husband and wife team of traditional medicine practitioners. The husband usually took the role of acupuncturist, while the wife specialised in mercy killing (now more commonly known as euthanasia).

The mere prospect of treatment usually resulted in the instantaneous recovery of the patient.

The practice died out along with patients and the rise of scientific medicine in the West.

The Chinese continue the practice on a large scale today, but because they use woosey little needles instead of pitchforks, at least they do little harm.

The Devil made me do it!

A heartrending post by my son (and co-blogger) Theo some little while ago recounted a frightening episode of night terrors he experienced as a child. He eventually dismissed it as an artefact of brain chemistry and rejected the existence of dark forces. However what I have never told him is that while he was away at school camp I did some experiments designed to test the existence of a netherworld. I drew a pentagram under Theo's bed and invoked the name of Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness. Nothing happened after an hour or so of chanting and I forgot about it. Apparently Beelzebub (pictured) was busy or uninterested in appearing to me, so Theo copped a belated visit when he got back from camp - sorry cobber.

An excellent example of KISS - a foolproof weather station

KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Good advice always, and a better example I have yet to find.

(With thanks - picture sent in a forwarded email from my old comrade Carfirkin.)

P*ss Take on the Cult of Celebrity

The Onion has done it again - satire on the cult of celebrity. Funny because it's true:


Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead

Troglodyte Principal passes prom student

Thanks to Barry Williams, Australian Skeptics for the following breathtaking item.

Several weeks into his first year of teaching math at the High School of Arts and Technology in Manhattan, Austin Lampros received a copy of the school’s grading policy. He took particular note of the stipulation that a student who attended class even once during a semester, who did absolutely nothing else, was to be given 45 points on the 100-point scale, just 20 short of a passing mark.

Austin Lampros quit after a student he had failed was passed.

Mr. Lampros’s introduction to the high school’s academic standards proved a fitting preamble to a disastrous year. It reached its low point in late June, when Arts and Technology’s principal, Anne Geiger, overruled Mr. Lampros and passed a senior whom he had failed in a required math course. That student, Indira Fernandez, had missed dozens of class sessions and failed to turn in numerous homework assignments, according to Mr. Lampros’s meticulous records, which he provided to The New York Times. She had not even shown up to take the final exam. She did, however, attend the senior prom.

PICTURED ABOVE: An artist's impression of Principal Anne Geiger (actually it's a depiction of a troglodyte by Mike Reed, sourced here).

Words worth espousing - the ohnosecond

And now for something completely different. The photograph to the left came to me via an email from my cobber Richard Carfirkin. Original lost in the mists of cyberspace so no attribution. I am putting it here as a graphic illustration of the place one finds oneself after experiencing the dreaded ohnosecond. "What is an ohnosecond?" (I hear you ask.)

From Whatis?com (which bills itself as "The leading IT encyclopedia and learning centre")

An ohnosecond is that very short moment in time during which you realize that you have pressed the wrong key and deleted hours, days, or weeks of work.

Another definition here:

The fraction of time it takes to realize you've just goofed; for example, right after you hit the send button on an e-mail and realize you forgot to include the attachment. Another great example is that moment of horror when you see the key in the ignition switch just as you're slamming the car door shut. This term was coined by Elizabeth Crowe in her book The Electronic Traveler.

Update: Silly me, google knows all, sees all. Origin of photograph here.

Kim Jong-Il popularity plummets to 120%

Yes, it's true, the second-most popular leader in the history of the world is losing popularity. See the Onion for further details.

Jimmy Carter, Peace Processor

From the Kansas City Star:

Former President Jimmy Carter urged the United States on Saturday to talk with Nepal's former rebels, who remain on Washington's list of terrorists despite joining a peace process.

Carter met Maoist rebel leader Prachanda, who only goes by one name, and his deputy Baburam Bhattarai on Friday. The former guerrillas urged him to help remove them from the U.S. terrorist list.

"My opinion is the United States should establish some communication with the Maoists because it is obvious that the people of Nepal have accepted the Maoists as playing a role in the shaping of the future of this country," Carter told reporters at the end of his four-day trip to Nepal.

"Joining the Peace Process". Translation: Not killing quite as many people as we usually do... for a while... maybe... or maybe not.

As can be seen from the distortature at the left, Jimmy is even more hopeful than usual that his efforts at brokering peace through a peace process will bear fruit. "Peace in our time" (Neville Chamberlain). "Peace process in our time" (Jimmy Carter).

In Praise of Bad Writing

Full article here: (via Maggie's Farm)

There are at least two benefits of bad writing:

1. It gives an air of profundity. This is a trick Brown learned from many French philosophers (Althusser and Foucault being by no means the worst offenders), English sociologists and (yes) economists. If you write long indecipherable sentences, people will think you're profound and clever rather than muddled and incoherent. If you write clearly, you risk people seeing clearly that you're a fool. In the City, there's a small army of investment writers who are paid to make the inane twitterings of fund managers seem important. They don't do so by pursuing clarity.

2. It allows readers to see what they want. Clear writing gives us something to disagree with. Ambiguity doesn't. People wanting to avoid controversy - politicians wanting to keep a united party, "distinguished people" wishing to avoid looking foolish - will therefore write badly. In my case, it's mere stupidity that causes me to write badly. I'm not sure this is true for everyone else.

The Paris Hilton prison diaries

From the LA Times
The Paris Hilton prison diaries
Jailhouse musings from the hotel heiress.
By John Kenney
June 5, 2007

Day 10: There is no TV, no iPod, no cellphone. Just — I hope I'm spelling this right — "boks" or maybe "bowks." Whatever. I took a few from the cart and have been looking at the covers. Then, last night, I looked inside and there are, like, a million words, page after page. Are these new?

Half empty cup actually half full - shock story

The story:

AUSTRALIAN parents are largely unhappy with the quality of school education, says a new Federal Government report.

The survey of 2000 parents, conducted earlier this year, found many believed their children were receiving a substandard education. Only 58 per cent of parents said primary schooling was up to scratch, and less than 40 per cent said secondary schooling was acceptable.

Those with a child in a non-government school were happier with both education and teacher quality than those with a child in a state school.

Same data, different spin (I shifted a few descriptors around):

AUSTRALIAN parents are largely happy with the quality of school education, says a new Federal Government report.

The survey of 2000 parents, conducted earlier this year, found that most believed their children were receiving a standard education, or a better than standard education. Fully 58 per cent of parents said primary schooling was up to scratch, and many said secondary schooling was acceptable.

Those with a child in a non-government school were even happier with both education and teacher quality than those with a child in a state school.

Private Jets for Climate Change

I'm not a climate change obsessive, but there is so much Humbug on both sides of this issue out there that we will naturally revisit the topic quite frequently. An inspired, ironic slogan coined by Matt Bellamy of the rock band Muse deserves extensive airing (click the bolded link at the bottom of this extract for the full story).

Live Earth will be a series of concerts, modelled on Live Aid and and Live 8, aimed at raising awareness about the threat from global warming.

As many as 12 concerts across seven continents featuring the likes of Madonna and Genesis and 100 other acts are planned over 24 hours, including one at a research station in Antarctica.

The organisers have so far struggled to find a clear-cut way of conveying their main message. Even rock performers have criticised the concept.

Roger Daltrey, of the Who, said another concert would simply waste fuel; Bob Geldof, who helped to organise Live Aid and Live 8, said people were already aware of the greenhouse effect; while Matt Bellamy, front man of the rock band Muse, labelled it “private jets for climate change”.

Update: a chuckleworthy contribution to the comments thread at the above article (it is a comment on an earlier comment - scroll down for context)

"I really admire the action of Al gore and her/his followers" You are mistaken, Al Gore is not a hermaphrodite. She is a beautiful lady.

Fine article on weasel words and gibberish

With thanks to Barry Williams, skeptic extraordinaire, who drew my attention to this article by John Leo (excerpt below).

In plain English, what does it mean when students “achieve a deficiency” or reach a “suboptimal outcome?” It means they failed. A suboptimal outcome is even worse at a hospital. It means the patient died. The airline industry sometimes speaks of a hull loss. What they mean is that one of their planes just crashed. Here’s more twisted language. Your doorman is now known as an “access controller”, and a receptionist is a “director of first impressions.” Hospital bills can be filled with such language, How about a “thermal therapy unit” (an ice bag) or a “disposable mucus recovery unit”, also known as a box of Kleenex.

Sh*t Happens

I know not where my friend Richard Carfirkin got this from, but he sent it to me in an email at the very moment I happened to (metaphorically) break through into the cavity depicted.

I will now go and take a bath (both metaphorical and real).

Original source: somewhere in cyperspace I guess.

Sylvia Hale - sanctimonious green weasel

A good example of Weasel Words here.

FIREBRAND NSW Greens MP Sylvia Hale has managed to unite the state Labor and federal Coalition governments in outrage over remarks comparing Australia's asylum-seeker policy with the Nazis' Final Solution.

On Tuesday, Ms Hale challenged NSW Treasurer Michael Costa in the upper house to withdraw the services of a state-owned company that provided healthcare to immigration detainees on Nauru under the Howard Government's so-called "Pacific Solution".

Ms Hale asked: "Will the Government do that, or will it continue its collaboration with an indefensible final solution?"

Mr Costa attacked Ms Hale for trying to "compare a fairly innocuous solution to a particular problem in the South Pacific to the Holocaust".